Ep. 03: Anger Part 1 – What is Anger | Best Conduct

One of the most common emotions we feel is anger and anger is a very specific type of feeling that develops inside a person when a number of things happen. Generally speaking, anger is our intolerance to something, specifically when we feel a rule has been broken. For example, someone who should not have done something has done it, or someone who should have done a certain thing has done it. That someone can be anyone, including ourselves. Sometimes a person’s feelings of anger are channeled towards themselves because they feel that they have done something they should have, or vice versa. Anger comes with two tendencies; the first one is the aggressive tendency because it wants to stop what is happening, and the second tendency wants you to get back at whoever it is that did what they were not supposed to. You can call it a feeling of sentiment, revenge, or payback. Anger can take on many forms for example one is to stop whatever is happening, and the second thing is to somehow get back at it because it has stirred a feeling inside of you because you feel like you are losing control. This is represented by blood flowing very quickly through your body; pumping through your veins, your heart starts beating very quickly, and a person’s face starts turning red. For some people, you start seeing their jugular veins begin to pop out in their neck. It is this rush of blood that is created because a rule has been broken and that must be stopped, and somehow, you have to get rid of this feeling of uneasiness inside of you and the only way you feel you can resolve that is by “taking care of business” or getting back at the person. If it was something verbal, then by responding in a similar verbal way, and sometimes responding physically. When something verbal is spoken, a corresponding response is made, and occasionally a physical response is made as well. When we are angry, our body language is displaying it; our posture becomes aggressive, somebody might clench their fist, somebody might have a very aggressive posture, the volume of our voice may reflect it – all of these things come together in this sentiment that we call anger.

Now, anger is inside us for a very specific reason. It is necessary for human beings to have some degree of anger inside of them, but when this feeling of anger or the ability to be angry is at an extreme or excess, it will always cause us to say or do things that are harmful to us or others. If the sentiment of anger is absent in a person, it is also very dangerous for them. Why? Because the purpose of anger is to rectify a wrong that is occurring in our immediate environment. If we do not have that anger, we are not able to rectify the wrong. We will see wrong and be perfectly fine with it. Someone might be doing wrong with us, and we will subdue ourselves and allow ourselves to be trampled over. Someone might be doing something wrong to someone we care about, and we will not be able to do anything about it. When anger is completely absent or in reserve, it results in someone becoming almost cowardly. This person might become so weak and flimsy that they would not stand up to something that they are supposed to. If somebody comes and throws a punch at them, they will not even have the strength to stop them and defend themselves. They will not have the strength to get out of that situation and they will have completely lost all willpower to defend themselves. They do not have the courage to stop others from hurting others. This is what happens when anger is absent. However, when anger is in excess, it causes a person to behave irrationally. They will do or say certain things acting out this aggression and will try to repay the person with pain, hurt or anything that we think is going to make us feel better.

Then, there is a balance of anger. The balance is that A, we only get angry for the right reasons, and B, we manage our anger so that it never leads us to become irrational. I know a lot of this might sound very wordy and philosophical, but break it down, and you will see that Allah (SWT) has put inside us the ability to protect ourselves and that which matters to us. That same tendency, when it is too high, has the potential to do damage to ourselves and our lives. There has to be a balance. Look at how the prophet (SAW) dealt with anger. This feeling that a rule has been broken or a rule that should have been upheld has not. Whenever this happens, the first thing to do is question the rule and if it is fair or not. Ask, “Does this rule even deserve the anger or is it a rule that can be let go?” You have all heard of Anas (RA) who came to the prophet (SAW) when he was very young and stayed with the prophet (SAW) for ten years. In this time, his mother had requested that the prophet (SAW) let Anas (RA) do tasks for him and keep him around. Many times, because he was a child, he would get distracted and forget, and the family members of the prophet (SAW) would get angry at Anas (RA), that, “You were supposed to do this and you did not.” Or “You were not supposed to do this and you did it.” Then, they would complain to the prophet (SAW) that, “Anas was supposed to do this and that and he did not.” The prophet (SAW) would smile it off. He said, “If something was written to be, it would happen.” Once, the prophet (SAW) sent Anas to do something, so he went out, and on the way, he started playing with children that he saw. He forgot about the task the prophet (SAW) gave to him. Anas (RA) said, “Some time after that, I felt a hand on my shoulder and got scared, and I turned around and saw the prophet (SAW). I became so scared because I forgot about the task he gave me and I was scared to wonder what he might say to me.” When he looked up at the prophet (SAW), he had a big smile on his face, and said, “So, Anas, what happened?” And he just smiled it off. He could have said, “I am the prophet of Allah. Do you not know who I am? How dare you forget about my task?” Because this was a personal thing, the prophet (SAW) gave him a lot of leeway and he let those moments go. However, if someone broke a commandment of Allah (SWT), the prophet (SAW)’s face would turn red. Why? Because it was not his interest or rule; rather, it was Allah (SWT)’s. This is why, once, when someone backbit someone else in front of the prophet (SAW), he got extremely angry and said, “Are you trying to leave your Iman? You are compromising it by doing something like this.” This is when his anger would show. Even then, when his anger is justified and correct, he acted it out in the way that Allah (SWT) wanted him to, by saying the things that Allah (SWT) wanted him to say. If someone needs to be stopped, they are stopped.

One of our issues is that most of our anger is for ourselves and for the wrong reasons. One of the things that was stated before, about anger was that it can go out of balance. What are some of the things that cause this? One of the things is our own arrogance, pride and conceit. We see ourselves so high that right away, the thing that comes to our mind is “How dare they say this thing?” Or “How dare they do this thing?” It is an excess, and when this is the cause of our anger it is time to bring ourselves back to earth. For some people, the thing that enrages them is the fact that they are with people who take pride in their anger. To them, being angry and acting out their anger is a matter of respect, courage or a matter ofhonor and reputation, and if they do not act that way then people will walk all over them. So, what do they do? They go out beating up people, and when they are angered, they will respond with an extreme response. “My honor is at stake here, I better do something.” Sometimes, it is bad role models. Sometimes, it is discussions of anger. Some people tell stories of how they put people in their place and it is made to look like something important and nice so that we do that. Next time, when we are in that situation, we remember what that person did and act it out. There has to be a balance. The first step to treating anger is to ask, “Why am I angry? Is my anger justified or not?” If somebody has said something to insult you or to hurt you, take that as it is and ask yourself if they are right. Like in the story of Zain Al-Abideen (RA), one of his cousins came and told him off so bad, and that evening, he went to his cousin’s house, and he opens the door and sees Zain there. He thought, “Now he is going to give me an earful. It is time for him to pay me back for that which I have said to him.” He said, “Look, my cousin. If whatever you said to me and about me was the truth, I ask Allah (SWT) to forgive me. If whatever you said was not the truth, I ask Allah (SWT) to forgive you for saying it.” When someone insulted one of our other pious predecessors, he said, “This is only what you know about me. What you do not know about me is even worse than what you think.” This is how they would deflate their own egos, and this is how they would regulate themselves, and there are many strategies on how to suppress anger, but the first and most important step is to understand why we get angry, and what our personal triggers are that make us say or do those things that just make us act out our rage.